Sometimes when I catch myself worrying about the same thing over and over again, I remind myself that I am choosing to do so and it is possible to Just Stop It!
Please watch and laugh...the payoff at the end is worth it, as is the possible life lesson. I'm going to be pretty busy the next few days - actually meeting about my company - so until later, Enjoy!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Enough is Enough
Ok this is ridiculous. If I'm going to use this blog, partially as a way to keep me culpable and motivated then I should admit that I have been wallowing. I'm done now. I have to be. I've spent the last week harping on the past and not moving forward. I hate when people do that and I've been doing it, hence just a tad bit of self loathing. But it's time. Whatever got me here and whatever obstacles my past has created I need to move on, jump over said obstacles or plow through them and start writing this damn plan.
Rant complete.
I hope you all have a lovely and enjoyable day.
Rant complete.
I hope you all have a lovely and enjoyable day.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The 3 P's, or in my case the 4 P's
So I haven't written in a while. I wish I could say that it's because I've been so busy being productive that, gasp! I couldn't bear to tear myself away long enough to blog. But that would be a big, fat lie. A major fib. A massive manipulation of the truth.
In fact, I've been in bed, literally hiding under the covers. My use of the word literally is indeed accurate here, to which my dear friend Carrie (who lives with me) can attest. At one point she came into my room and found me wearing my hoodie, with the hood up and completely under the covers. Not a pretty picture.
The other day I learned about the three P's. They are Perfection, Procrastination and Paralysis. They feed into each other, lead to one another and in the end, produce the cumulative effect of me, hiding under the covers. When you strive for perfection...ok let's be honest here...when I strive for perfection I often find myself in said under-cover mode. My desire for perfection is a direct off-shoot of the ever present Fear of Failure. Now, my therapist has told me that there is no such thing as failure - only a refocusing of efforts towards what can be improved. I believe her. In a concrete, literal manner, I know that she's right, but on an emotional, fear-based, irrational level I'm convinced that failure is alive and well and that the best way to avoid it is simple - be perfect. Now I could get into all the reasons why I think like this, but then this would be a therapy diary and not a blog. The long and short of it is that I have control issues, as do many of my close, A-type personality friends. For me, failing at something is akin to losing control, and that cannot and will not happen! At least, that's what part of me feels.
The other part of me, the new part, the part of me that jumps into the pool instead of slowly creeping in - that part knows that there is no such thing as failure, that perfection is impossible (wow, that was hard to type) and that the only true way to succeed is to try. To start. To not expect that it will all come together, perfectly and all at the same time.
For the last few days a battle between paralysis and productivity has been waging, inside my home. It was trench warfare - with the two main strongholds being my office and under the covers of my bed. There was some neutral territory, namely the dining room table where I was working on my puzzle. (Hence the 4 P's - perfection, procrastination, puzzles and paralysis). For most of the weekend paralysis was winning. I most definitely spent more time hiding in bed than I did being productive in my office. Today I woke up feeling better, not perfect because that's not possible, but better. As of today, the tide has turned in favor of productivity. I did some work that I'd been trying to get to for about a week now and I discovered some positive things.
First of all, the brand platform that I put together with the help of Pyramid Communications in Seattle, way back in 2008, still seems pretty valid. I thought I was going to have to scratch most of it, but looks like even back then I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do. Secondly, I've admitted that I can't do this alone and have started reaching out to people who can educate me on the current state of the market I'm trying enter into, or dominate mercilessly, whichever comes first. Lastly, I finally read all the information that I printed out last week about writing business plans. All small steps, but for someone who spent the last couple of days hiding in a fort made of 600 thread count sheets and down-filled comforter goodness, I'd say it's a good start!
PS: I did finally finish this insane 1000 piece puzzle - if anyone would like to take a crack at it, I'd be more than happy to send it to you.
In fact, I've been in bed, literally hiding under the covers. My use of the word literally is indeed accurate here, to which my dear friend Carrie (who lives with me) can attest. At one point she came into my room and found me wearing my hoodie, with the hood up and completely under the covers. Not a pretty picture.
The other day I learned about the three P's. They are Perfection, Procrastination and Paralysis. They feed into each other, lead to one another and in the end, produce the cumulative effect of me, hiding under the covers. When you strive for perfection...ok let's be honest here...when I strive for perfection I often find myself in said under-cover mode. My desire for perfection is a direct off-shoot of the ever present Fear of Failure. Now, my therapist has told me that there is no such thing as failure - only a refocusing of efforts towards what can be improved. I believe her. In a concrete, literal manner, I know that she's right, but on an emotional, fear-based, irrational level I'm convinced that failure is alive and well and that the best way to avoid it is simple - be perfect. Now I could get into all the reasons why I think like this, but then this would be a therapy diary and not a blog. The long and short of it is that I have control issues, as do many of my close, A-type personality friends. For me, failing at something is akin to losing control, and that cannot and will not happen! At least, that's what part of me feels.
The other part of me, the new part, the part of me that jumps into the pool instead of slowly creeping in - that part knows that there is no such thing as failure, that perfection is impossible (wow, that was hard to type) and that the only true way to succeed is to try. To start. To not expect that it will all come together, perfectly and all at the same time.
For the last few days a battle between paralysis and productivity has been waging, inside my home. It was trench warfare - with the two main strongholds being my office and under the covers of my bed. There was some neutral territory, namely the dining room table where I was working on my puzzle. (Hence the 4 P's - perfection, procrastination, puzzles and paralysis). For most of the weekend paralysis was winning. I most definitely spent more time hiding in bed than I did being productive in my office. Today I woke up feeling better, not perfect because that's not possible, but better. As of today, the tide has turned in favor of productivity. I did some work that I'd been trying to get to for about a week now and I discovered some positive things.
First of all, the brand platform that I put together with the help of Pyramid Communications in Seattle, way back in 2008, still seems pretty valid. I thought I was going to have to scratch most of it, but looks like even back then I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do. Secondly, I've admitted that I can't do this alone and have started reaching out to people who can educate me on the current state of the market I'm trying enter into, or dominate mercilessly, whichever comes first. Lastly, I finally read all the information that I printed out last week about writing business plans. All small steps, but for someone who spent the last couple of days hiding in a fort made of 600 thread count sheets and down-filled comforter goodness, I'd say it's a good start!
PS: I did finally finish this insane 1000 piece puzzle - if anyone would like to take a crack at it, I'd be more than happy to send it to you.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
This post might need a disclaimer
It's amazing how motivating fear can be. For example, I'm scared to start writing my business plan and meeting with people about my company because that would make it real. Really Real. It would no longer be 'what I plan on doing' or 'my eventuality', it would become my present - an extremely tangible present that would leave me very exposed. Not in the naked way, but in the 'I just told someone I loved them and I'm waiting to see what they say' kinda way. You know - that moment where you have to move forward purely on faith.
I'm not a religious person, sometimes I wish I was because I think it must be very comforting. To give yourself over to a higher power and freely believe, unsupported by logic, fact or empirical evidence, that this higher power will keep you safe. Safe in the way insane people are safe in their minds or in the way small children can be great at sports like skiing because they don't know they should be afraid. I don't mean to say that having faith makes you a child-like lunatic....I mean that humans are constantly looking to find ways to feel safe and religion is one way to address that problem, just not one that I've ever experienced.
Now if you've been reading carefully you'll realize that I've contradicted myself. I've said that fear holds us back and I've also said that fear is motivating. I think the two points aren't mutually exclusive, but I don't believe that fear is something you should seek out as a means of motivation - fuck, soon I'm going to need a disclaimer on this Blog. "Karina said that fear is motivating so I jumped out of a plane wearing a plastic bucket on my head!" Stupid is as stupid does.
What I really meant before I went off on this tangent, was that I'm scared to take the first real steps towards making my business a reality and in response have completed just about every other task I could think of. I've done my personal taxes, completed my corporate taxes, paid all my bills, fixed up the house, goten a new haircut, cleaned up the backyard and almost completed an insane 1000 piece puzzle. Hence fear is motivating, just not in the way I want it to be. In the end it's faith that really gets us through it.
Earlier I defined faith in terms of love. That's just how I define it; it's different for everyone. I created this whole theory while reading Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling (not to be confused with Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing). In the book Kierkegaard speaks of the White Knight and his journey, all of which is part of his treatise on religion. Eventually the White Knight gets to this place where he has to take a leap of faith. Kierkegaard defines this as the place where logic turns back on itself and the only way to move forward is by just believing that you'll make it. As I said I'm not religious so what I always compare this to is telling someone you love them for the first time. In that moment you're so emotionally vulnerable, and no logic in the world can prove to you that the other person feels the same way - but at some point you go for it and you tell them. If they say it back, you make it to the other side - if they don't, you fall into the abyss. I've done both and there are positives and negatives to both outcomes.
When it comes to our life and what we truly want to do - I think it's about faith. Faith in ourselves and love of ourselves. So I'm working up the strength to tell myself that not only do I 'know' I can do it, but that I also have faith that I will succeed. Baby steps....I think I'll finish this puzzle first.
I'm not a religious person, sometimes I wish I was because I think it must be very comforting. To give yourself over to a higher power and freely believe, unsupported by logic, fact or empirical evidence, that this higher power will keep you safe. Safe in the way insane people are safe in their minds or in the way small children can be great at sports like skiing because they don't know they should be afraid. I don't mean to say that having faith makes you a child-like lunatic....I mean that humans are constantly looking to find ways to feel safe and religion is one way to address that problem, just not one that I've ever experienced.
Now if you've been reading carefully you'll realize that I've contradicted myself. I've said that fear holds us back and I've also said that fear is motivating. I think the two points aren't mutually exclusive, but I don't believe that fear is something you should seek out as a means of motivation - fuck, soon I'm going to need a disclaimer on this Blog. "Karina said that fear is motivating so I jumped out of a plane wearing a plastic bucket on my head!" Stupid is as stupid does.
What I really meant before I went off on this tangent, was that I'm scared to take the first real steps towards making my business a reality and in response have completed just about every other task I could think of. I've done my personal taxes, completed my corporate taxes, paid all my bills, fixed up the house, goten a new haircut, cleaned up the backyard and almost completed an insane 1000 piece puzzle. Hence fear is motivating, just not in the way I want it to be. In the end it's faith that really gets us through it.
Earlier I defined faith in terms of love. That's just how I define it; it's different for everyone. I created this whole theory while reading Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling (not to be confused with Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing). In the book Kierkegaard speaks of the White Knight and his journey, all of which is part of his treatise on religion. Eventually the White Knight gets to this place where he has to take a leap of faith. Kierkegaard defines this as the place where logic turns back on itself and the only way to move forward is by just believing that you'll make it. As I said I'm not religious so what I always compare this to is telling someone you love them for the first time. In that moment you're so emotionally vulnerable, and no logic in the world can prove to you that the other person feels the same way - but at some point you go for it and you tell them. If they say it back, you make it to the other side - if they don't, you fall into the abyss. I've done both and there are positives and negatives to both outcomes.
When it comes to our life and what we truly want to do - I think it's about faith. Faith in ourselves and love of ourselves. So I'm working up the strength to tell myself that not only do I 'know' I can do it, but that I also have faith that I will succeed. Baby steps....I think I'll finish this puzzle first.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
What on earth have I gotten myself into?
So this morning at 4am we had an earthquake. Only a 4.4 but still...the earth moved, the house shook and other people felt it too so I know I wasn't hallucinating.
I wish this was the scariest thing that happened to me today. It wasn't.
Today I started doing - if only a little bit. Doing is the opposite of contemplating or in my case filling my days with busy work. Today I started working on my business plan. So far I haven't gotten very far - namely because I've been distracted by the pit in my stomach and the voice in my head that's screaming, "RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!! Go get a regular job!"
All this got me thinking about "Foundation". At 4am I was concerned about the physical foundation of my house and whether or not it was going to hold up against the angry rattlings of Mother Nature. Now I'm thinking of my own personal foundation and if it's going to hold up through this process - this chasing of dreams, dream stalking if you will.
Everyone's foundation is different. I think of mine as a combination of logic, will-power, self worth, years of therapy, occasionally a glass of wine (or two) and most importantly my friends. When my logic fails, emotions and fear get the best of me, the wine runs out, my therapist goes on vacation, I know I still have my friends. They are my true support system, the antidote to my Hamlet syndrome, my backup generator (I insist on milking this natural disaster metaphor for all it's worth).
These are the people who believe in me when I don't believe in myself, who can look me in the eye and say "all you need to do is decide you're going to do this and you will succeed," or "I fear you in a first-testament God kind of way," or "would you like me to bring you some more wine?". These are the people who know what to say to keep me on track, alleviate my stomach aches and get me to stop blogging and get back to work.
You know who you are and I know I'm lucky to have you in my life.
Yeesh! One little earthquake and I get all mushy....
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Peek Inside Progress
I don't feel like writing much today so I thought I'd let a picture or two tell a few thousand words. 
This is my office:
I've been working on it for a while - finally got the furniture in, the shelves somewhat organized and the walls painted bright pink. This room used to be my sister's game room/trophy room, hence all the shelving. Ideally I'd love to paint them all glossy white, but that seems like an unnecessary expense right now.
This is the view from my desk - into the backyard:
As you can see I still have some organizing to do, but it's coming along. I got all my furniture from CB2 - good stuff. Soon this table will be the site of much creative geniusness (see how creative I am! I just created a new word).
Oh and by the way, thanks to Rosalie - I can now create single line breaks in my Blog. She too is full of geniusness.
Friday, March 12, 2010
I said I'd be honest...
I want to take a nap. I want to watch bad television like Celebrity Rehab Sober House. I do not want to finish filing, deal with tax stuff, find a way to hang a cork board and a dry erase board in my office or any of the other things that are on my list. Well, to be more specific, my List of Things I Need to Do Before Getting to the Real Work. Don't even get me started on revising my brand platform, writing my business plan or drafting my cost analysis - ha ha I just made a pun and I didn't even mean to! I am a genius. Get it - don't get me started....get in now? don't get me started talking about not getting started....
Ok that joke there might just be proof that I've lost it and shouldn't be working anyway. So much for motivation and devotion.
Today I was planning on blogging about privacy. This Blog has got me thinking about what I'm sharing, what I should be sharing and why I'm sharing at all since I'm actually a very private person. On one hand I want to start a dialogue - about who we are, what we're up to and why - on the other hand I feel that my thoughts and especially my feelings about this process called 'following your dreams' should be carefully guarded. I've never been one to share feelings, in fact I used to never, ever tell anyone what I was feeling. It got to the point where I didn't even know myself. I most definitely would not have admitted I was scared or heaven forfend! unable to do something - GASP! Now, I am getting much better at that - and to those of you who I have shared with...please note that these attempts sometimes result in over-sharing. But to start a blog? to admit to the whole world (ok maybe just the 8 people reading this) that I'm not sure how it'll go, or that I don't want to do one goddamn productive thing today- it's scary. But, I'm pretty sure it's going to be worth it. I believe that the scariest thing in the whole world is being alone. Yet, when you're honest with someone about how you feel - you create intimacy and when you share with a group of people you create community; when you do this you're definitely not alone. Don't forget though, Sartre did say hell is other people - so pick wisely!
As a parting message I would like to share with you a few things that I'm not good at.
1. I am not good at making instant mac and cheese
2. I am not good at hiking or finding my way in a forest *
3. I am not good at group sports
4. I am not good at singing (that includes Karaoke)
5. I am not good at horseback riding or handling any large animals*
6. I am not good at figuring out how to only leave one line blank between paragraphs on this blog
* denotes things I am also scared of
Ok that joke there might just be proof that I've lost it and shouldn't be working anyway. So much for motivation and devotion.
Today I was planning on blogging about privacy. This Blog has got me thinking about what I'm sharing, what I should be sharing and why I'm sharing at all since I'm actually a very private person. On one hand I want to start a dialogue - about who we are, what we're up to and why - on the other hand I feel that my thoughts and especially my feelings about this process called 'following your dreams' should be carefully guarded. I've never been one to share feelings, in fact I used to never, ever tell anyone what I was feeling. It got to the point where I didn't even know myself. I most definitely would not have admitted I was scared or heaven forfend! unable to do something - GASP! Now, I am getting much better at that - and to those of you who I have shared with...please note that these attempts sometimes result in over-sharing. But to start a blog? to admit to the whole world (ok maybe just the 8 people reading this) that I'm not sure how it'll go, or that I don't want to do one goddamn productive thing today- it's scary. But, I'm pretty sure it's going to be worth it. I believe that the scariest thing in the whole world is being alone. Yet, when you're honest with someone about how you feel - you create intimacy and when you share with a group of people you create community; when you do this you're definitely not alone. Don't forget though, Sartre did say hell is other people - so pick wisely!
As a parting message I would like to share with you a few things that I'm not good at.
1. I am not good at making instant mac and cheese
2. I am not good at hiking or finding my way in a forest *
3. I am not good at group sports
4. I am not good at singing (that includes Karaoke)
5. I am not good at horseback riding or handling any large animals*
6. I am not good at figuring out how to only leave one line blank between paragraphs on this blog
* denotes things I am also scared of
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Motivation is the word of the day
So I was scanning the operating agreement for my company and I noticed a clause entitled "Devotion of Time" It reads: The Manager (that's me!) is not obligated to devote all of his time or business efforts to the affairs of the Company. The Manager shall devote whatever time, effort and skill as he deems appropriate for the operation of the Company.
Now this got me thinking - first of all...does that mean there are contracts out there that state that the Manager must devote all his time (or her time) to the affairs of the Company? That would be a bit much, don't you think?
The real reason that this caught my eye is because I've been thinking a lot about motivation. What motivates us? Me? you? According to my operating agreement it could be argued that I'm motivated by my devotion to my business. That seems kinda lofty and lofty sure ain't gonna get my ass out of bed in the morning - or the afternoon.
Disclaimer!! ok, it's really more of a confession. I planned to write this piece about motivation earlier today but then I had too much wine at lunch with my sister and I had to come home and take a nap - note: wine at lunch is not a good motivator. At least now I know that, and in the end I did get up from said nap and start writing. Which leads me back to my original thesis - what motivated me to do that?
Sometimes I think that motivation is linked to self worth...bare with me...
I think it's much easier to be motivated when we're young, because we're in school. Within the construct of the education system success is clearly delineated for us. We get tested and we get graded - these numbers tell us exactly how well we're doing and to what extent we're doing better or worse than the rest of our class. It's pretty clear - do well in school - get rewarded. Now that doesn't mean we all do well, but at least the parameters are clear and we know how to measure our success or failure.
At some point we leave the education system, whether it be during or after high school, or college...or for those of us who really really really enjoyed the comforts of this system... after graduate school. All of a sudden it's up to us to determine for ourselves what it means to succeed or fail, what we consider a job well done. Some people are great at this. I was not one of them. I wanted someone to tell me that I was doing a good job, and preferably also tell me how much better I was than everyone else (hey, somewhere I heard that you're supposed to be honest when you blog).
This was all fine and dandy until I realized that I didn't like working for other people. Not that I don't play well with others, it's just that, let's face it, I think I know better and unless you're really, truly able to prove that I can learn from you - I get bored and I leave.
Hence, here I sit alone in my home office trying to start my own company. The key word being alone. Other than my cat, Kitty Pants (AKA Pants) there's nobody here to tell me what to do, when to do it by and whether they think I've done a good job. So what makes me do it? Self worth. I have to believe in myself and my abilities. I'm my own boss, my own motivator, cheerleader, critic, assistant....but sometimes it's hard to get things done. Sometimes I don't feel like cheering myself on. Sometime I don't have the extra energy to motivate myself. Maybe that's one reason I started this Blog - to make me culpable to something outside of myself...and to be here in case anyone else is in the same boat and needs a nudge, cheer, critique or perhaps just a new youtube video to watch when they need a break...
Today I motivated myself to sober up and write this Blog. Good times. What motivates you? Fear? Greed? Necessity? Self worth? The desire to impress people or prove them wrong.....where does your devotion come from?
More later....thanks for reading.
Now this got me thinking - first of all...does that mean there are contracts out there that state that the Manager must devote all his time (or her time) to the affairs of the Company? That would be a bit much, don't you think?
The real reason that this caught my eye is because I've been thinking a lot about motivation. What motivates us? Me? you? According to my operating agreement it could be argued that I'm motivated by my devotion to my business. That seems kinda lofty and lofty sure ain't gonna get my ass out of bed in the morning - or the afternoon.
Disclaimer!! ok, it's really more of a confession. I planned to write this piece about motivation earlier today but then I had too much wine at lunch with my sister and I had to come home and take a nap - note: wine at lunch is not a good motivator. At least now I know that, and in the end I did get up from said nap and start writing. Which leads me back to my original thesis - what motivated me to do that?
Sometimes I think that motivation is linked to self worth...bare with me...
I think it's much easier to be motivated when we're young, because we're in school. Within the construct of the education system success is clearly delineated for us. We get tested and we get graded - these numbers tell us exactly how well we're doing and to what extent we're doing better or worse than the rest of our class. It's pretty clear - do well in school - get rewarded. Now that doesn't mean we all do well, but at least the parameters are clear and we know how to measure our success or failure.
At some point we leave the education system, whether it be during or after high school, or college...or for those of us who really really really enjoyed the comforts of this system... after graduate school. All of a sudden it's up to us to determine for ourselves what it means to succeed or fail, what we consider a job well done. Some people are great at this. I was not one of them. I wanted someone to tell me that I was doing a good job, and preferably also tell me how much better I was than everyone else (hey, somewhere I heard that you're supposed to be honest when you blog).
This was all fine and dandy until I realized that I didn't like working for other people. Not that I don't play well with others, it's just that, let's face it, I think I know better and unless you're really, truly able to prove that I can learn from you - I get bored and I leave.
Hence, here I sit alone in my home office trying to start my own company. The key word being alone. Other than my cat, Kitty Pants (AKA Pants) there's nobody here to tell me what to do, when to do it by and whether they think I've done a good job. So what makes me do it? Self worth. I have to believe in myself and my abilities. I'm my own boss, my own motivator, cheerleader, critic, assistant....but sometimes it's hard to get things done. Sometimes I don't feel like cheering myself on. Sometime I don't have the extra energy to motivate myself. Maybe that's one reason I started this Blog - to make me culpable to something outside of myself...and to be here in case anyone else is in the same boat and needs a nudge, cheer, critique or perhaps just a new youtube video to watch when they need a break...
Today I motivated myself to sober up and write this Blog. Good times. What motivates you? Fear? Greed? Necessity? Self worth? The desire to impress people or prove them wrong.....where does your devotion come from?
More later....thanks for reading.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Blog Tu, Brute?
There. I did it. I joined the bandwagon - or should I say...blogwagon? probably not, because that wouldn't be funny and people might read that and think that my blog is going to be full of bad puns and then they'll stop reading. That would be bad because I'm starting this blog as an extension of my own ego, in hopes of finding validation from strangers on the internet. I would hate for people to think that I'm not being sincere or that I'm prone to bouts of sarcasm. That wouldn't be good. Then people wouldn't like me...and I hate it when people don't like me...
Well, of course that's true and not true all at the same time. But it's my first Blog installment so I should probably keep it light.
Warning: I am sarcastic. Often. oh! oh! and don't forget self deprecating and prone to bouts of irony.
Awesome. Good to know... but why the hell am I starting this Blog?
I decided to Blog about finally starting my own business. It's something that I've been saying that I would do for a long time...and now I'm doing it. I'm doing it alone, in my home office and figured that others are out there doing the same thing - sitting in front of their computers, trying to motivate themselves - to put words to paper, action behind intention, their money where their mouth is. I thought Blogging might be a nice way to not feel so alone in this process, oh! and some people say I'm funny, so maybe it'll be entertaining too!
So to my fellow entrepreneurs, friends, family and anyone else who wants to read, comment or stay a while...welcome to the Sparkhouse.
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