Summer Hiatus is Over

So the summer is winding down and it's almost time for school to start. For some reason I've never gotten out of that school rhythm. After spending over 17 years in school- it's just how I'm wired. Either that, or I'm just using it as an excuse for how little I've accomplished since last I wrote.

Actually, that's not true. I've come a long way (baby!) on a theoretical level. My vision for my company is much more clearly defined and I've conceded that it's time for me to go big, or go home. That metaphor doesn't work as well when you work from home, but you know what I mean.

Why start small, when you can start accurately, efficiently and fabulously? A dear friend of mind helped me realize that if I'm going to start this company, I should raise enough money to start it properly. So that, my friends, is what I'm going to do. The game has changed, now the stakes are higher, but so are the eventual returns.

This means that I am truly jumping in and going into business...real investors and all. I'm not just talking about wanting to swim, putting my toe in the water, or slowly climbing down the ladder - I'm jumping right in that Mother F*&$^@ Pool!

I'll try not to splash you:)

The Secret to My Success

Business Plan: 0 words.

Business Plan: 172 words.

Business Plan: 1517 words. 

I'm finally making progress. Something inside me has lifted and I'm finally able to move forward. I've gone from hoping that I'd finish it, to doubting that I'd finish it, to knowing that by the time I leave for NYC next Friday that the first draft will be done. Not exactly the goal I'd originally set for myself but to be honest when I set those benchmarks I had no idea how difficult it would be to motivate myself or how many obstacles would be in my way. Ok, I'll be honest. There was really only ever one obstacle...me. I am my own boss and I am my own obstacle! It's like a mini clash of the titans in my head. 

I've recently been pondering why I sabotage myself. It was suggested to me that I have a fear of success. That one confused me. Fear of failing, sure. Fear of falling, totally. Fear of success? that's just plain preposterous! But, as I am a gracious mortal I allowed this person to explain what they meant. They proposed that I fear success because my becoming successful would alter the perception certain people have of me. Hmmm...which people? well my family of course! But as this is a blog and not a diary I'll skip ahead to where my mind went next. Definitions. What does success mean? More specifically what does it mean to me? 

Success means something different to each individual - or at least it should if they are paying the slightest bit of attention to how they're living their life. (boy oh boy am I preachy today!) You see one person could have fame and wealth - characteristics normally associated with success - and be perfectly miserable. Another person may be a stay at home mom, for example, and be absolutely blissful. For her, providing a nurturing environment for her family is how she measures success. Some critics will presume that because she never had a career that she's settling somehow. I guess in the end it all comes back to defining was success means to us and trying our damnedest to achieve that goal -  oh! and not giving a shit what other people think. Ain't that the kicker!

So I admit. There may be some truth to what this person said. Maybe I am afraid of success, but how can I be if I don't actually know what success means to me. In order to fear it, first I must define it. The good thing is that odds are by the time I figure it out I won't be scared of it anymore...at least that's the plan!

Obstacle Course

So it's been an interesting few weeks. There have been ups. There have been downs. There have been dogs. What there hasn't been are Blog Posts. I apologize. I know that many of you live for these updates, sorry for starving your soul.
 
I've been thinking a lot about obstacles. I said to someone the other day that I'd been busy setting obstacles for myself. To be fair, I've also been removing some. I think the key is to pull up more than you put down - but hey, then life would be all sunshine and lollipops - and what fun would that be?

There are all types of obstacles or blockages in the world. Some are physical, others emotional. Some involve other people and some we create all alone in our little noggins. What they all have in common is that they somehow hold us back, thwart our growth and stop us from reaching our goals. The trick is that on the surface they don't all look bad. I've learned that I can do great things when I focus my energy on something or someone. Unfortunately I have a tendency to pick things that suck all my energy and give me very little in return, hence leaving me depleted and unable to work towards the goals that are really important to me.

I believe that energy is finite. I think this may be a popular theory but I honestly don't remember much about 8th grade science so I'm just going to say that it's true and go on with my story. So, we all have this finite amount of energy - manifested both emotionally and physically. What we choose to do with that energy is really important - it's our energy, it's what keeps us going and if we're going to give some away - allocate part of this asset - we should make sure we're getting a good return on our investment. Now I don't mean money and yes volunteer work is good yadda yadda yadda. What I mean is that if you're going to put your energy towards a project make sure that you're getting something from the experience that equals what you're putting in. If you're working so hard that you're getting sick and no one is even saying thank you - the balance is off and you need to fix it. Same goes for people - if you're doing all the work in the relationship/friendship/siblingship/daughtership/mothership (hee hee) and you don't feel that you're being valued or gaining something from interacting with this person then it's not fair to you.

I have a tendency to give all my energy to other people or side track myself with projects that I convince myself are important so that I can avoid what I really should be focusing on. For me it's usually because I'm scared - scared that if I truly direct my energy towards what I really want to do, then it might actually happen and the stakes would be way to really real.

I haven't been doing this as much lately. Go me! In fact when I was in New York recently I had some conversation with people who I really respect and felt like my plan was finally coming together. I can tell by their faces and their feedback that I'm on the right path. That's the good/bad thing about honest, intelligent friends - they're not afraid to tell me when I'm full of shit and they know me too well for me to fool them. Now I'm working on clearing up some personal obstacles that I've been focusing way too much energy on - it's amazing how awake and alive you feel when you choose to take your energy back and direct it towards something positive.

Speaking of things that are good investments of energy - I got a dog!!! Her name is Molly and she's a rescue. She's exhausting right now but it's pretty darn worth it. I think I will make her Senior Vice President of Cuteness....I, of course will remain President, for the time being.

I Love Katamari

So I know I haven't blogged in a while. To be honest, I just didn't want to. I didn't have much to report. Technically that isn't true but I don't feel like I've made much progress - at least not on paper.

In case I hadn't mentioned it before, I'm starting an entertainment company. A production company. A development outsourcing company. A content development company. A multi-platform content providing company. A bedazzled hello kitty club house in the sky company. As you can see it's been a bit difficult to explain exactly what I want to do, at least in a way that neatly ends with the word "company". Who knew world domination would be so challenging?

Over the past few weeks I've met with people to discuss what I want to do and they've told me how they would do it. Some of them were helpful, some of them confused me and one person made perfect sense.
Here's what I learned: 

1. Everyone does it differently.

2. It's almost impossible to project the amount of income you'll make.

3. The entertainment industry is like one big game of I Love Katamari.

First, there doesn't seem to be one underlying, connective...anything that determines how one becomes a successful producer. Some people do it one way and succeed, and others follow the exact same path and fail miserably. One positive note is that in Hollywood you seem to be able to fail upwards - so if you fail, with the right people, your career still moves forward. I don't get it but maybe one day I'll be thankful for it.

Second, it's nearly impossible to do income projections - which is a shame because they are a pretty integral part of a business plan. IF you own the rights to a project, and IF it gets approved for a TV script, and IF it gets greenlit for a pilot, and IF that pilot goes to air and IF it does well...you will get paid "something, something" amount for being the producer. I don't have to remind you what happens when "something, something" gets involved. For theatre, I get it. It's pretty simple. You may not be able to project if the show will be a huge success but at least you can use real numbers to map out how much it will cost and how much you'll need to make. Film is just as confusing unless I want to fund raise directly in order to produce my own movies...but I'm so not there yet and I don't exactly have a low-budget, artsy aesthetic.

The last, and most salient discovering I've made is that the tactics for succeeding in the entertainment industry are quite similar to those of the video game I Love Katamari. For those of you not familiar with this game let me lay it out for you in laymen's terms. (Gotta love laymen, he so good at explaining things). You basically start the game out as a sticky/velcro-ee ball and you try to roll over items on the screen. You start small - maybe a book, or a chair. You end BIG - hopefully having rolled over and affixed to yourself an entire town's worth of stuff. Now I know what you're thinking - how is Hollywood like a rolling, sticky ball of garbage? Here's how. Think of the ball as your script idea. First, you attach a writer, then a director, perhaps an actor or two, and eventually your project has grown into such a large mass of potentially successful people that the studios can't resist it....because by then, resistance has become futile!

Unfortunately, too many projects in this industry don't start with a good idea or a good script so they just become a massive, powerful, irresistible ball of crap. My goal is to not produce crap, and according to what I've learned here's how I'm going to avoid it:

1. I'm going to do it 'my way.' I have yet to define what 'my way' is but I guarantee it'll be different than your way.
2. I'm going to raise 'something, something' amount for development costs and get paid 'something, something' and 'some point'.
3. I'm going to take a great idea, hire a writer who loves the idea, let the story tell us what platform (film, TV, theatre) suites it best, partner with a skilled and passionate director and production team, make sure they hire the appropriate cast...and then support this team of talented, creative people and allow them to do what they do best.....


Progress? meh, but better than nothing.

Label Whore

So I've been thinking a lot about what defines us and as I am a child of the 80's I can't help but think of the Breakfast Club. You know, the end part where they read the essay they had to write in detention. "You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete...and a basket case ...a princess...and a criminal."

Now first of all I think that movie is what made every drama geek pine for the jock, and every pretty girl secretly wish that the darkest dude in school would wear her diamond stud. But let's not talk about which of John Hughes' (RIP) social constructs defined my sense of male/female interactions. What I keep coming back to this week is this idea of labels and the power of words.

I had to write my bio for my business plan and I think that after years of trying to label myself as one thing or another I've finally realized that I'm a lot of things, and that's ok - in fact, it's what makes me unique and gives me my edge. I am a director, producer, writer, consultant, manager and artist. I'm not just one or the other - I'm all of them.

It's taken me a long time to come to this conclusion. For most of my life I've tried to be wholly one thing for one group of people and then someone totally different for another group. When I was working in theatre management in Seattle I never told anyone that I directed theatre. In fact, I was instructed not to, in hopes of proving my dedication to my boss. I made friends and established working relationships with people who had no idea that I'd spent over 10 years directing theatre. It was so strange to me because for so much of my life that was my whole identity. Obviously this wasn't just because I was told not to, it's because at that time in my life I had decided I was a married, nature-accepting (not gonna go as far as loving), craft-doing, theatre manager. As I look back on that time I realize that part of me is all of those things, but I'm also so much more. 

By the way, that phase didn't last long and little bits of the rest of me would peak out now and again - she was called "New York Karina". For the longest time I was Toronto Karina in Toronto, New York Karina in New York, Seattle Karina in Seattle and LA Karina in LA. I was indeed a confirmed bunburyist. Sometimes I'd slip - like a superhero who forgot to change out of her costume before going back to work. It was exhausting.

Now I'm just Karina and it's much easier, but it took a long time. I think one of the hardest parts was realizing that I can't control what people think of me, I can only be true to who I am and lead an authentic life. There will still be people who expect me to be one way or the other depending on when or where they met me but I can't accommodate their perceptions, I can only be who I am now. 

This whole discussion came about because I needed to define what kind of company I'm starting. I needed to put a label on it and in some ways this process was the exact opposite of what I've been discussing. While I define my company one way I had to translate that definition into words that people understood, even when those words didn't actually capture what I meant to say. Even more frustrating was the fact that I couldn't use the words that I really wanted to use, because the colloquial understanding of their meaning didn't match the formal definition. So in the end I used the words that I knew would be most widely accepted, knowing that in the end I'll be able to show the world that my company is unique through actions.

Our actions are what set us apart. They show the world who we really are and what we really want. For example, I can talk about wanting to start my own company for years, but it's not until I say it and do something about it that the intention finds its truth. I've spent the last two weeks slowly but surely adding action to words...baby steps, but forward action nonetheless.

I could go one but I should probably go get some other stuff done today....sorry about the abrupt ending - more about action later.

Some Who Wander are Lost

Nine years ago today I lost someone really special. Actually, no, I didn’t lose her…she was ripped from my life in a horrific car accident. She’s not lost, she’s dead and there’s a big difference. I know I have a tendency to obsess over semantics but sometimes I just can’t stand euphemisms.  When people die they aren’t lost, they’re gone. Some who wander are lost, they just haven't started to panic yet. Sometimes it's not ok, and that's just part of life. But, if you don't let yourself feel the pain, you can't truly feel the joy. If you don't ask the uncomfortable questions, tackle the tough subjects or have the difficult conversations you'll never truly feel connected. People die, fights happen, rejection is all around us so let's not sugar coat it. Let's face it, feel it, gain strength from it and enjoy and honor all the wonderful things in life we do have.

So today, please take a moment to tell someone you love them. It doesn’t have to be romantic love – as long as it’s authentic. I have a tendency to tell people I love them before they may feel comfortable hearing it but I say it anyway – because I’d hate to miss out on the opportunity. I’ve missed out on too many. So please, take a moment today to tell someone that you love them, or that they’re doing a good job or that you’re happy they're in your life…even if it makes you feel a little silly, it'll be worth it, trust me. 

Just Stop It!

Sometimes when I catch myself worrying about the same thing over and over again, I remind myself that I am choosing to do so and it is possible to Just Stop It! 
Please watch and laugh...the payoff at the end is worth it, as is the possible life lesson. I'm going to be pretty busy the next few days - actually meeting about my company - so until later, Enjoy!

Enough is Enough

Ok this is ridiculous. If I'm going to use this blog, partially as a way to keep me culpable and motivated then I should admit that I have been wallowing. I'm done now. I have to be. I've spent the last week harping on the past and not moving forward. I hate when people do that and I've been doing it, hence just a tad bit of self loathing. But it's time. Whatever got me here and whatever obstacles my past has created I need to move on, jump over said obstacles or plow through them and start writing this damn plan.

Rant complete.

I hope you all have a lovely and enjoyable day.

The 3 P's, or in my case the 4 P's

So I haven't written in a while. I wish I could say that it's because I've been so busy being productive that, gasp! I couldn't bear to tear myself away long enough to blog. But that would be a big, fat lie. A major fib. A massive manipulation of the truth.


In fact, I've been in bed, literally hiding under the covers. My use of the word literally is indeed accurate here, to which my dear friend Carrie (who lives with me) can attest. At one point she came into my room and found me wearing my hoodie, with the hood up and completely under the covers. Not a pretty picture. 


The other day I learned about the three P's. They are Perfection, Procrastination and Paralysis. They feed into each other, lead to one another and in the end, produce the cumulative effect of me, hiding under the covers. When you strive for perfection...ok let's be honest here...when I strive for perfection I often find myself in said under-cover mode. My desire for perfection is a direct off-shoot of the ever present Fear of Failure. Now, my therapist has told me that there is no such thing as failure - only a refocusing of efforts towards what can be improved. I believe her. In a concrete, literal manner, I know that she's right, but on an emotional, fear-based, irrational level I'm convinced that failure is alive and well and that the best way to avoid it is simple - be perfect. Now I could get into all the reasons why I think like this, but then this would be a therapy diary and not a blog. The long and short of it is that I have control issues, as do many of my close, A-type personality friends. For me, failing at something is akin to losing control, and that cannot and will not happen! At least, that's what part of me feels. 


The other part of me, the new part, the part of me that jumps into the pool instead of slowly creeping in - that part knows that there is no such thing as failure, that perfection is impossible (wow, that was hard to type) and that the only true way to succeed is to try. To start. To not expect that it will all come together, perfectly and all at the same time. 


For the last few days a battle between paralysis and productivity has been waging,  inside my home. It was trench warfare - with the two main strongholds being my office and under the covers of my bed. There was some neutral territory, namely the dining room table where I was working on my puzzle. (Hence the 4 P's - perfection, procrastination, puzzles and paralysis). For most of the weekend paralysis was winning. I most definitely spent more time hiding in bed than I did being productive in my office. Today I woke up feeling better, not perfect because that's not possible, but better. As of today, the tide has turned in favor of productivity. I did some work that I'd been trying to get to for about a week now and I discovered some positive things. 


First of all, the brand platform that I put together with the help of Pyramid Communications in Seattle, way back in 2008, still seems pretty valid. I thought I was going to have to scratch most of it, but looks like even back then I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do. Secondly, I've admitted that I can't do this alone and have started reaching out to people who can educate me on the current state of the market I'm trying enter into, or dominate mercilessly, whichever comes first. Lastly, I finally read all the information that I printed out last week about writing business plans. All small steps, but for someone who spent the last couple of days hiding in a fort made of 600 thread count sheets and down-filled comforter goodness, I'd say it's a good start!


PS: I did finally finish this insane 1000 piece puzzle - if anyone would like to take a crack at it, I'd be more than happy to send it to you.

This post might need a disclaimer

It's amazing how motivating fear can be. For example, I'm scared to start writing my business plan and meeting with people about my company because that would make it real. Really Real. It would no longer be 'what I plan on doing' or 'my eventuality', it would become my present - an extremely tangible present that would leave me very exposed. Not in the naked way, but in the 'I just told someone I loved them and I'm waiting to see what they say' kinda way. You know - that moment where you have to move forward purely on faith.

I'm not a religious person, sometimes I wish I was because I think it must be very comforting. To give yourself over to a higher power and freely believe, unsupported by logic, fact or empirical evidence, that this higher power will keep you safe. Safe in the way insane people are safe in their minds or in the way small children can be great at sports like skiing because they don't know they should be afraid.  I don't mean to say that having faith makes you a child-like lunatic....I mean that humans are constantly looking to find ways to feel safe and religion is one way to address that problem, just not one that I've ever experienced.

Now if you've been reading carefully you'll realize that I've contradicted myself. I've said that fear holds us back and I've also said that fear is motivating. I think the two points aren't mutually exclusive, but I don't believe that fear is something you should seek out as a means of motivation - fuck, soon I'm going to need a disclaimer on this Blog. "Karina said that fear is motivating so I jumped out of a plane wearing a plastic bucket on my head!" Stupid is as stupid does.

What I really meant before I went off on this tangent, was that I'm scared to take the first real steps towards making my business a reality and in response have completed just about every other task I could think of. I've done my personal taxes, completed my corporate taxes, paid all my bills, fixed up the house, goten a new haircut, cleaned up the backyard and almost completed an insane 1000 piece puzzle. Hence fear is motivating, just not in the way I want it to be. In the end it's faith that really gets us through it.

Earlier I defined faith in terms of love. That's just how I define it; it's different for everyone. I created this whole theory while reading Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling (not to be confused with Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing). In the book Kierkegaard speaks of the White Knight and his journey, all of which is part of his treatise on religion. Eventually the White Knight gets to this place where he has to take a leap of faith. Kierkegaard defines this as the place where logic turns back on itself and the only way to move forward is by just believing that you'll make it. As I said I'm not religious so what I always compare this to is telling someone you love them for the first time. In that moment you're so emotionally vulnerable, and no logic in the world can prove to you that the other person feels the same way - but at some point you go for it and you tell them. If they say it back, you make it to the other side - if they don't, you fall into the abyss. I've done both and there are positives and negatives to both outcomes.

When it comes to our life and what we truly want to do - I think it's about faith. Faith in ourselves and love of ourselves. So I'm working up the strength to tell myself that not only do I 'know' I can do it, but that I also have faith that I will succeed. Baby steps....I think I'll finish this puzzle first.

What on earth have I gotten myself into?

So this morning at 4am we had an earthquake. Only a 4.4 but still...the earth moved, the house shook and other people felt it too so I know I wasn't hallucinating. 

I wish this was the scariest thing that happened to me today. It wasn't.

Today I started doing - if only a little bit. Doing is the opposite of contemplating or in my case filling my days with busy work. Today I started working on my business plan. So far I haven't gotten very far - namely because I've been distracted by the pit in my stomach and the voice in my head that's screaming, "RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!! Go get a regular job!"

All this got me thinking about "Foundation". At 4am I was concerned about the physical foundation of my house and whether or not it was going to hold up against the angry rattlings of Mother Nature. Now I'm thinking of my own personal foundation and if it's going to hold up through this process - this chasing of dreams, dream stalking if you will.

Everyone's foundation is different. I think of mine as a combination of logic, will-power, self worth, years of therapy, occasionally a glass of wine (or two) and most importantly my friends. When my logic fails, emotions and fear get the best of me, the wine runs out, my therapist goes on vacation, I know I still have my friends. They are my true support system, the antidote to my Hamlet syndrome, my backup generator (I insist on milking this natural disaster metaphor for all it's worth).

 

These are the people who believe in me when I don't believe in myself, who can look me in the eye and say "all you need to do is decide you're going to do this and you will succeed," or "I fear you in a first-testament God kind of way," or "would you like me to bring you some more wine?". These are the people who know what to say to keep me on track, alleviate my stomach aches and get me to stop blogging and get back to work. 

You know who you are and I know I'm lucky to have you in my life.

Yeesh! One little earthquake and I get all mushy....

A Peek Inside Progress

I don't feel like writing much today so I thought I'd let a picture or two tell a few thousand words. 

This is my office:

I've been working on it for a while - finally got the furniture in, the shelves somewhat organized and the walls painted bright pink. This room used to be my sister's game room/trophy room, hence all the shelving. Ideally I'd love to paint them all glossy white, but that seems like an unnecessary expense right now.

 

This is the view from my desk - into the backyard:

As you can see I still have some organizing to do, but it's coming along. I got all my furniture from CB2 - good stuff. Soon this table will be the site of much creative geniusness (see how creative I am! I just created a new word).

Oh and by the way, thanks to Rosalie - I can now create single line breaks in my Blog. She too is full of geniusness.

I said I'd be honest...

I want to take a nap. I want to watch bad television like Celebrity Rehab Sober House. I do not want to finish filing, deal with tax stuff, find a way to hang a cork board and a dry erase board in my office or any of the other things that are on my list. Well, to be more specific, my List of Things I Need to Do Before Getting to the Real Work. Don't even get me started on revising my brand platform, writing my business plan or drafting my cost analysis - ha ha I just made a pun and I didn't even mean to! I am a genius. Get it - don't get me started....get in now? don't get me started talking about not getting started....
Ok that joke there might just be proof that I've lost it and shouldn't be working anyway. So much for motivation and devotion.

Today I was planning on blogging about privacy. This Blog has got me thinking about what I'm sharing, what I should be sharing and why I'm sharing at all since I'm actually a very private person. On one hand I want to start a dialogue - about who we are, what we're up to and why - on the other hand I feel that my thoughts and especially my feelings about this process called 'following your dreams' should be carefully guarded. I've never been one to share feelings, in fact I used to never, ever tell anyone what I was feeling. It got to the point where I didn't even know myself. I most definitely would not have admitted I was scared or heaven forfend! unable to do something - GASP! Now, I am getting much better at that - and to those of you who I have shared with...please note that these attempts sometimes result in over-sharing. But to start a blog? to admit to the whole world (ok maybe just the 8 people reading this) that I'm not sure how it'll go, or that I don't want to do one goddamn productive thing today- it's scary. But, I'm pretty sure it's going to be worth it. I believe that the scariest thing in the whole world is being alone. Yet, when you're honest with someone about how you feel - you create intimacy and when you share with a group of people you create community; when you do this you're definitely not alone.  Don't forget though, Sartre did say hell is other people - so pick wisely!

As a parting message I would like to share with you a few things that I'm not good at.

1. I am not good at making instant mac and cheese
2. I am not good at hiking or finding my way in a forest *
3. I am not good at group sports
4. I am not good at singing (that includes Karaoke)
5. I am not good at horseback riding or handling any large animals*
6. I am not good at figuring out how to only leave one line blank between paragraphs on this blog

* denotes things I am also scared of

Motivation is the word of the day

So I was scanning the operating agreement for my company and I noticed a clause entitled "Devotion of Time" It reads: The Manager (that's me!) is not obligated to devote all of his time or business efforts to the affairs of the Company. The Manager shall devote whatever time, effort and skill as he deems appropriate for the operation of the Company.


Now this got me thinking - first of all...does that mean there are contracts out there that state that the Manager must devote all his time (or her time) to the affairs of the Company? That would be a bit much, don't you think?


The real reason that this caught my eye is because I've been thinking a lot about motivation. What motivates us? Me? you? According to my operating agreement it could be argued that I'm motivated by my devotion to my business. That seems kinda lofty and lofty sure ain't gonna get my ass out of bed in the morning - or the afternoon.


Disclaimer!! ok, it's really more of a confession. I planned to write this piece about motivation earlier today but then I had too much wine at lunch with my sister and I had to come home and take a nap - note: wine at lunch is not a good motivator. At least now I know that, and in the end I did get up from said nap and start writing. Which leads me back to my original thesis - what motivated me to do that? 


Sometimes I think that motivation is linked to self worth...bare with me... 
I think it's much easier to be motivated when we're young, because we're in school. Within the construct of the education system success is clearly delineated for us. We get tested and we get graded - these numbers tell us exactly how well we're doing and to what extent we're doing better or worse than the rest of our class. It's pretty clear - do well in school - get rewarded. Now that doesn't mean we all do well, but at least the parameters are clear and we know how to measure our success or failure. 


At some point we leave the education system, whether it be during or after high school, or college...or for those of us who really really really enjoyed the comforts of this system... after graduate school. All of a sudden it's up to us to determine for ourselves what it means to succeed or fail, what we consider a job well done. Some people are great at this. I was not one of them. I wanted someone to tell me that I was doing a good job, and preferably also tell me how much better I was than everyone else (hey, somewhere I heard that you're supposed to be honest when you blog).


This was all fine and dandy until I realized that I didn't like working for other people. Not that I don't play well with others, it's just that, let's face it, I think I know better and unless you're really, truly able to prove that I can learn from you - I get bored and I leave. 


Hence, here I sit alone in my home office trying to start my own company. The key word being alone. Other than my cat, Kitty Pants (AKA Pants) there's nobody here to tell me what to do, when to do it by and whether they think I've done a good job. So what makes me do it? Self worth. I have to believe in myself and my abilities. I'm my own boss, my own motivator, cheerleader, critic, assistant....but sometimes it's hard to get things done. Sometimes I don't feel like cheering myself on. Sometime I don't have the extra energy to motivate myself. Maybe that's one reason I started this Blog - to make me culpable to something outside of myself...and to be here in case anyone else is in the same boat and needs a nudge, cheer, critique or perhaps just a new youtube video to watch when they need a break...


Today I motivated myself to sober up and write this Blog. Good times. What motivates you? Fear? Greed? Necessity? Self worth? The desire to impress people or prove them wrong.....where does your devotion come from?


More later....thanks for reading.

Blog Tu, Brute?

There. I did it. I joined the bandwagon - or should I say...blogwagon? probably not, because that wouldn't be funny and people might read that and think that my blog is going to be full of bad puns and then they'll stop reading. That would be bad because I'm starting this blog as an extension of my own ego, in hopes of finding validation from strangers on the internet. I would hate for people to think that I'm not being sincere or that I'm prone to bouts of sarcasm. That wouldn't be good. Then people wouldn't like me...and I hate it when people don't like me...

Well, of course that's true and not true all at the same time. But it's my first Blog installment so I should probably keep it light. 

Warning: I am sarcastic. Often. oh! oh! and don't forget self deprecating and prone to bouts of irony. 

Awesome. Good to know... but why the hell am I starting this Blog? 

I decided to Blog about finally starting my own business. It's something that I've been saying that I would do for a long time...and now I'm doing it. I'm doing it alone, in my home office and figured that others are out there doing the same thing - sitting in front of their computers, trying to motivate themselves - to put words to paper, action behind intention, their money where their mouth is. I thought Blogging might be a nice way to not feel so alone in this process, oh! and some people say I'm funny, so maybe it'll be entertaining too!

So to my fellow entrepreneurs, friends, family and anyone else who wants to read, comment or stay a while...welcome to the Sparkhouse.